Thursday, December 18, 2014
Lazarus is 4 years old!
Lazarus is now four years old! He loves robots, the color blue, and snowmen. He would like to do everything Evie does. He is very sweet, loves to cuddle, and is sensitive. He greets all little kids, and is always asking other kids if they want to play with him. We're still working on his peeing issue. He was completely potty trained for years until last summer, and now he has to wear a diaper when we're out of the house and many times is wet here at home, so I'm trying to figure out what to do about that. Some of our other challenges are his sometimes getting very upset, although that's certainly improved a lot since a year ago when Joshua was gone a lot. He interrupts and is very insistent on what he wants to happen. He also has a very good eyebrow when he's upset. He certainly doesn't hide his emotions. He doesn't like to put his eyes under water, so we're working in that in swimming lessons. I think he weighs about 37 pounds and is about tall. Lazarus is full of energy and also plays really well by himself. He especially likes building things and being very creative. He likes water painting and coloring.
Hazaiah's birth story
I know people don't like to read or talk about miscarriages and death, but i got to share our other three birth stories, and i wanted to write this one down too. So, before you read, know that in the end, Jesus wins and God's promises are fulfilled, but, in this blog post, there is some heartache.
November 1st i finally got a chance to speak with Joshua without three kids around for half a second, and i told him that i wondered if i might be pregnant but i couldn't get away from the kids enough to go get a pregnancy test. So he took the kids to run to the bank or something while i sneaked off to Walmart to grab a pregnancy test without 6yo questions about what i was buying. Joshua put the kids in front of a Buck Denver movie or something so that we wouldn't be bothered for a minute while i took the test. Joshua was staring at it, waiting for two lines, when i realized that the "your pregnant" line was there immediately--it was the control line that was taking longer :-) We were both thrilled. I calculated that the due date must be about July 6th. Another summer baby. Joshua thought of a fun way to tell the kids. He put a message in a pumpkin.
Lazarus and Evalana had been asking for another baby for awhile, so they were so very excited. We saw Grandma Mo and Grandpa Greg at church the next day. Mo peeked into Lazarus's classroom, and Lazarus ran over to her and said, "We're not having another baby!" Mo just said "Okay" and walked away wondering if we had just had a conversation that we didn't have another baby or that i might be pregnant and he wasn't supposed to tell yet. After church, they were taking the kids so that Joshua and i could have a date, and Evalana told them when we were all in the car. Lazarus was then insisting "No, we're not having a baby!" like he couldn't get out of his character he was acting earlier. So funny. Joshua had to tell him it was okay, we are having a baby. We got to facetime Tompa and Grammie to tell them. The next weekend, we saw Mima in Branson and Gigi in Jasper, Arkansas and got to tell both of them. Then we made a video to send to all the aunts and uncles.
We posted on facebook soon after that since we wanted as many people as possible praying for our tiny baby. I had a month of minor nausea and tiredness.
----Miscarriage story starts here, so skip to the bottom if you don't want to read it----
Sunday, December 7th, I had some slight bleeding. I knew some people have some bleeding during pregnancy and are fine, but i didn't like it. We got lots more friends praying for baby. After a couple of days of that, I went to our midwife to have blood tests for HCG and progesterone. The next morning, while i was at the kids' swimming lesson, she left me a voicemail saying she had a couple questions, which i knew was a bad sign. When i called her back, she said my HCG was 3,000 (normal for 6 weeks) rather than 25,000, where it should be at ten weeks. She said we'd hold out hope and do another blood lab on Monday to see if it's rising. But, not feeling pregnancy symptoms anymore, i knew i was miscarrying. I was crying on the phone call, so Evalana and Lazarus were concerned. They knew we'd been worried about baby and that Debbie had done a test to check on the pregnancy. When I told them our baby was with Jesus, Lazarus cried, saying "but i wanted four kids." We cuddled for a bit while talking about our baby being with Jesus and that whoever trusts in Jesus gets to see that baby in Heaven and on the new Earth. And he's going to keep praying that God will bless us with another baby. Thursday i went on with taking care of the kids. But i was also just sad at the loss of our baby. Joshua was still holding out hope until we'd get the second HCG back next Tuesday.
Thursday evening i started having some minor cramping. So then i was thinking i wanted to know what i should expect. It was late at night and my question wasn't any sort of emergency to bug Debbie with in the middle of the night, so i just googled what to expect with a miscarriage. Don't ever ever do that. It brought up a couple of awful stories that i then realized i shouldn't have read. Joshua was still up working, so went to him, telling him i was really scared. So we prayed. I went to bed singing scripture "When i am afraid, I will trust in You, I will trust in You. When i am afraid, i will trust in You. Psalm 56:3" and "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9." And thankfully fell asleep. Friday morning Joshua called Debbie to talk about my fear of going through labor, which is probably kind of funny since i've done that with three kids without any fear or trouble. She assured Joshua that a miscarriage at ten weeks would likely be just more of what i was currently experiencing. And also that we probably wouldn't see a baby's body mixed in with what i would lose.
Friday evening Mima, Bailey, Chloe, and Uncle John got here for the weekend. Saturday they went to the Christmas Carol play, and i met them at the plaza for dinner. I'd been having slight cramping each evening for the past few days, but Saturday night, after we were home, they were a little more uncomfortable. I was sitting in the living room, holding Ezekiel, and, about 11pm, i felt a gush. I went up the the bathroom, and it looked like my water had broken, along with more bleeding. Then i saw something there, and when i held it, i realized it was the baby's body. A fully formed tiny lifeless baby. I called for Joshua. Finally he heard me. We called Debbie to see when we should be concerned about the bleeding. Then he walked out of the bathroom to do something with the kids or something, and i started feeling light-headed. I yelled again for him. Finally he came back in. Called Debbie. She said call for an ambulance. Joshua was trying to get me to sit back up. I've felt faint enough that i know i want my head down. Everything was dark and spinning. Then i don't know if Debbie called back or if he called Debbie. She said lay me on the bathroom floor. Then Joshua left the room again, maybe to unlock the door for the paramedics or let Mima know to expect them or something. I didn't realize he had left Debbie on speakerphone in the bathroom. Then i heard her talking to me, which was kind of funny. I was already feeling much better than i had been a couple minutes earlier, but i was still feeling faint, sweating, out of breath. Then Joshua came back in, she told him to throw a towel over me. The paramedics and firefighters crowded into the bathroom, taking my blood pressure. Thankfully by then it was not good but not life-threatening. About 11:30, they carried me out to the ambulance while Mima had the kids watching Frozen down in the playroom (yes everyone was up late--cousins were in town). I was so thankful she was here and i knew the kids were in good hands. Joshua followed the ambulance to the hospital. He carried the baby's body the whole time. They gave me an IV on the way (which i was really impressed with his doing while the road is bouncing us around), and i was still feeling light-headed, but they didn't have to use lights and sirens to get to the hospital, which is thankfully just a few minutes away. Mom came to the hospital and then went to help with kids at our house.
Everyone at the hospital was so nice. The greatest part was a couple of birth nurses came in to give us some miscarriage info and some little keepsakes. Joshua had the baby with him, in a bag the paramedics had given him. They asked us if we wanted to do genetic testing on the baby, but, since we can't change our genetics, we said no thank you. The nurses washed the baby with some saline solution and wrapped the tiny two-inch body in a little blanket. The nurse said the baby was a boy, but i don't think a 10-week baby is actually developed enough to tell. But Joshua wants to assume the baby is a boy, and i'm okay with that. We were able to hold that sweet baby, and that was really a special wonderful gift.
Around 1am at home, Ezekiel was crying, wanting his mommy cuddles to put him to sleep, so Joshua and my mom switched. Ezekiel fell right asleep with Joshua, and my mom stayed all night with me at the hospital. A little after Joshua left, the doctor came in to say they'd do a D&C, a surgical procedure where they don't make any incisions but they do have to use general anesthesia, and they basically suck everything out of the uterus. Earlier they had done an ultrasound to see that i still had tissue in my uterus, which i guess i knew because i was still having a lot of bleeding. From what i understand, if a part of the placenta is still attached, I'll keep bleeding until all that tissue is removed. I'm thinking this must be a very common cause of death in past times and in other parts of the world. I'm so thankful for good medical treatment. When i first went in, my hemoglobin was at around 9, which i think the doctor said meant i'd lost about a third of my blood. I wasn't able to sit up at all without feeling faint, so i just stayed laying down. Other than being cold from the i think 8 bags of IV fluids they'd given me, i was feeling fine. Our ER nurse, Brook, was so nice and really helpful. There was also some Saturday excitement going on in the ER with what sounded like a couple of drunk guys and security being called. The OB doctor came in to talk with me, and i didn't like him at all. But he and the surgical team came in to work during the night just for me, and he had the medical skills i was needing at the time. He was really annoying, but at least i got to sleep through the surgery. I think the surgery was about 4am-4:30am. Joshua had brought pants for me, but he accidentally took them back home with him. So Mom had to run home and get me some clothes to change in to. I think i went home about 6:30am. Seven hours in the hospital was long enough for me, and i was glad to be home and sleeping. Joshua had gotten the kids gingerbread house kits, so they worked on those Sunday morning, rather than going to church. Evalana was very disappointed to miss church, but they did have fun working on the little houses.
The doctor said it'd take a couple of months to get my red blood cells built back up after the blood loss. Saturday night, when we called for the ambulance, i felt pretty awful. Sunday morning when i went home, i was able to walk a very short distance with help. I keep getting stronger each day. I'm now able to walk across the house. I feel completely fine otherwise. The only pain i ever had was a little bit of cramping Saturday evening. Funny that the pain was the part i was worried about, after delivering a 10 1/2 lb baby naturally. I was also worried that something might happen when i wasn't home. Like what if this would have happened when we were out to dinner or Joshua wasn't with me? Well, God takes good care of us. We prayed and prayed about it, and God answered those prayers. God is fully worthy of our trust.
----Miscarriage details over, so start here if you wanted to skip that part of the story-----
I know miscarriage happens in around a quarter of all pregnancies. I've always thought it's a miracle that any of us survive even a day in this world. I'm so thankful for the time we've had with each of our kids, including the two months in the belly with this baby. God has blessed our family with four babies. Knowing that one of our children is with Jesus is quite a joy. I feel surrounded by love and encouragement i hadn't expected with a miscarriage. It's hard this week, balancing celebrating Joshua's 36th and Lazarus's 4th birthdays and hanukkah, anticipating Christmas, allowing my body to rest enough (and i'm feeling so much better each day, but i still don't have strength and energy to do much other than sit), plus going on with normal household and Joshua's work duties, and trying to figure out what we want to do to celebrate this little life that ended earlier than we had hoped. We still need to name the baby. We have some good memorial ideas that we need to decide on. This weekend we'll be celebrating baby's birthday, along with Joshua and Lazarus's birthdays. We don't want to pretend this baby is living here on earth in ways he isn't, but we also want to celebrate that God created this baby in His image, and i feel so blessed to have carried this baby for two months.
I was given so many wonderful memorial ideas for this baby and support for our family, so i wanted to share this list with anyone who it might help, especially since so many miscarriages are kept secret, so you're not able to receive the help we have.
November 1st i finally got a chance to speak with Joshua without three kids around for half a second, and i told him that i wondered if i might be pregnant but i couldn't get away from the kids enough to go get a pregnancy test. So he took the kids to run to the bank or something while i sneaked off to Walmart to grab a pregnancy test without 6yo questions about what i was buying. Joshua put the kids in front of a Buck Denver movie or something so that we wouldn't be bothered for a minute while i took the test. Joshua was staring at it, waiting for two lines, when i realized that the "your pregnant" line was there immediately--it was the control line that was taking longer :-) We were both thrilled. I calculated that the due date must be about July 6th. Another summer baby. Joshua thought of a fun way to tell the kids. He put a message in a pumpkin.
Lazarus and Evalana had been asking for another baby for awhile, so they were so very excited. We saw Grandma Mo and Grandpa Greg at church the next day. Mo peeked into Lazarus's classroom, and Lazarus ran over to her and said, "We're not having another baby!" Mo just said "Okay" and walked away wondering if we had just had a conversation that we didn't have another baby or that i might be pregnant and he wasn't supposed to tell yet. After church, they were taking the kids so that Joshua and i could have a date, and Evalana told them when we were all in the car. Lazarus was then insisting "No, we're not having a baby!" like he couldn't get out of his character he was acting earlier. So funny. Joshua had to tell him it was okay, we are having a baby. We got to facetime Tompa and Grammie to tell them. The next weekend, we saw Mima in Branson and Gigi in Jasper, Arkansas and got to tell both of them. Then we made a video to send to all the aunts and uncles.
We posted on facebook soon after that since we wanted as many people as possible praying for our tiny baby. I had a month of minor nausea and tiredness.
----Miscarriage story starts here, so skip to the bottom if you don't want to read it----
Sunday, December 7th, I had some slight bleeding. I knew some people have some bleeding during pregnancy and are fine, but i didn't like it. We got lots more friends praying for baby. After a couple of days of that, I went to our midwife to have blood tests for HCG and progesterone. The next morning, while i was at the kids' swimming lesson, she left me a voicemail saying she had a couple questions, which i knew was a bad sign. When i called her back, she said my HCG was 3,000 (normal for 6 weeks) rather than 25,000, where it should be at ten weeks. She said we'd hold out hope and do another blood lab on Monday to see if it's rising. But, not feeling pregnancy symptoms anymore, i knew i was miscarrying. I was crying on the phone call, so Evalana and Lazarus were concerned. They knew we'd been worried about baby and that Debbie had done a test to check on the pregnancy. When I told them our baby was with Jesus, Lazarus cried, saying "but i wanted four kids." We cuddled for a bit while talking about our baby being with Jesus and that whoever trusts in Jesus gets to see that baby in Heaven and on the new Earth. And he's going to keep praying that God will bless us with another baby. Thursday i went on with taking care of the kids. But i was also just sad at the loss of our baby. Joshua was still holding out hope until we'd get the second HCG back next Tuesday.
Thursday evening i started having some minor cramping. So then i was thinking i wanted to know what i should expect. It was late at night and my question wasn't any sort of emergency to bug Debbie with in the middle of the night, so i just googled what to expect with a miscarriage. Don't ever ever do that. It brought up a couple of awful stories that i then realized i shouldn't have read. Joshua was still up working, so went to him, telling him i was really scared. So we prayed. I went to bed singing scripture "When i am afraid, I will trust in You, I will trust in You. When i am afraid, i will trust in You. Psalm 56:3" and "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9." And thankfully fell asleep. Friday morning Joshua called Debbie to talk about my fear of going through labor, which is probably kind of funny since i've done that with three kids without any fear or trouble. She assured Joshua that a miscarriage at ten weeks would likely be just more of what i was currently experiencing. And also that we probably wouldn't see a baby's body mixed in with what i would lose.
Friday evening Mima, Bailey, Chloe, and Uncle John got here for the weekend. Saturday they went to the Christmas Carol play, and i met them at the plaza for dinner. I'd been having slight cramping each evening for the past few days, but Saturday night, after we were home, they were a little more uncomfortable. I was sitting in the living room, holding Ezekiel, and, about 11pm, i felt a gush. I went up the the bathroom, and it looked like my water had broken, along with more bleeding. Then i saw something there, and when i held it, i realized it was the baby's body. A fully formed tiny lifeless baby. I called for Joshua. Finally he heard me. We called Debbie to see when we should be concerned about the bleeding. Then he walked out of the bathroom to do something with the kids or something, and i started feeling light-headed. I yelled again for him. Finally he came back in. Called Debbie. She said call for an ambulance. Joshua was trying to get me to sit back up. I've felt faint enough that i know i want my head down. Everything was dark and spinning. Then i don't know if Debbie called back or if he called Debbie. She said lay me on the bathroom floor. Then Joshua left the room again, maybe to unlock the door for the paramedics or let Mima know to expect them or something. I didn't realize he had left Debbie on speakerphone in the bathroom. Then i heard her talking to me, which was kind of funny. I was already feeling much better than i had been a couple minutes earlier, but i was still feeling faint, sweating, out of breath. Then Joshua came back in, she told him to throw a towel over me. The paramedics and firefighters crowded into the bathroom, taking my blood pressure. Thankfully by then it was not good but not life-threatening. About 11:30, they carried me out to the ambulance while Mima had the kids watching Frozen down in the playroom (yes everyone was up late--cousins were in town). I was so thankful she was here and i knew the kids were in good hands. Joshua followed the ambulance to the hospital. He carried the baby's body the whole time. They gave me an IV on the way (which i was really impressed with his doing while the road is bouncing us around), and i was still feeling light-headed, but they didn't have to use lights and sirens to get to the hospital, which is thankfully just a few minutes away. Mom came to the hospital and then went to help with kids at our house.
Everyone at the hospital was so nice. The greatest part was a couple of birth nurses came in to give us some miscarriage info and some little keepsakes. Joshua had the baby with him, in a bag the paramedics had given him. They asked us if we wanted to do genetic testing on the baby, but, since we can't change our genetics, we said no thank you. The nurses washed the baby with some saline solution and wrapped the tiny two-inch body in a little blanket. The nurse said the baby was a boy, but i don't think a 10-week baby is actually developed enough to tell. But Joshua wants to assume the baby is a boy, and i'm okay with that. We were able to hold that sweet baby, and that was really a special wonderful gift.
Around 1am at home, Ezekiel was crying, wanting his mommy cuddles to put him to sleep, so Joshua and my mom switched. Ezekiel fell right asleep with Joshua, and my mom stayed all night with me at the hospital. A little after Joshua left, the doctor came in to say they'd do a D&C, a surgical procedure where they don't make any incisions but they do have to use general anesthesia, and they basically suck everything out of the uterus. Earlier they had done an ultrasound to see that i still had tissue in my uterus, which i guess i knew because i was still having a lot of bleeding. From what i understand, if a part of the placenta is still attached, I'll keep bleeding until all that tissue is removed. I'm thinking this must be a very common cause of death in past times and in other parts of the world. I'm so thankful for good medical treatment. When i first went in, my hemoglobin was at around 9, which i think the doctor said meant i'd lost about a third of my blood. I wasn't able to sit up at all without feeling faint, so i just stayed laying down. Other than being cold from the i think 8 bags of IV fluids they'd given me, i was feeling fine. Our ER nurse, Brook, was so nice and really helpful. There was also some Saturday excitement going on in the ER with what sounded like a couple of drunk guys and security being called. The OB doctor came in to talk with me, and i didn't like him at all. But he and the surgical team came in to work during the night just for me, and he had the medical skills i was needing at the time. He was really annoying, but at least i got to sleep through the surgery. I think the surgery was about 4am-4:30am. Joshua had brought pants for me, but he accidentally took them back home with him. So Mom had to run home and get me some clothes to change in to. I think i went home about 6:30am. Seven hours in the hospital was long enough for me, and i was glad to be home and sleeping. Joshua had gotten the kids gingerbread house kits, so they worked on those Sunday morning, rather than going to church. Evalana was very disappointed to miss church, but they did have fun working on the little houses.
----Miscarriage details over, so start here if you wanted to skip that part of the story-----
I know miscarriage happens in around a quarter of all pregnancies. I've always thought it's a miracle that any of us survive even a day in this world. I'm so thankful for the time we've had with each of our kids, including the two months in the belly with this baby. God has blessed our family with four babies. Knowing that one of our children is with Jesus is quite a joy. I feel surrounded by love and encouragement i hadn't expected with a miscarriage. It's hard this week, balancing celebrating Joshua's 36th and Lazarus's 4th birthdays and hanukkah, anticipating Christmas, allowing my body to rest enough (and i'm feeling so much better each day, but i still don't have strength and energy to do much other than sit), plus going on with normal household and Joshua's work duties, and trying to figure out what we want to do to celebrate this little life that ended earlier than we had hoped. We still need to name the baby. We have some good memorial ideas that we need to decide on. This weekend we'll be celebrating baby's birthday, along with Joshua and Lazarus's birthdays. We don't want to pretend this baby is living here on earth in ways he isn't, but we also want to celebrate that God created this baby in His image, and i feel so blessed to have carried this baby for two months.
I was given so many wonderful memorial ideas for this baby and support for our family, so i wanted to share this list with anyone who it might help, especially since so many miscarriages are kept secret, so you're not able to receive the help we have.
Plant a tree that could someday hold treehouse or swing
Name baby
Have older kids make a picture with hand/finger prints to frame and hang
Empty clear Christmas ornament to put ultrasound pic or other keepsakes from baby in
plant rose bush. write poem to have engraved by bush.
buy an orchid
plant a memory garden
add sonogram pic or timeline to family photos
celebrate birth day every year
more ideas on http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/01/03/momentos/
mentor other women experiencing the same loss
have a funeral/memorial service
fund a water well
stepping stone with name
keepsake box with poems or drawings from the kids
Angel of Mine Willow Tree figurine
wind chimes
birthstone bracelet
Build a Bear
star necklace with Psalm 147:3-4 and register a star in name of baby
figurine with baby's name and date
tiny crochet blanket and hat
Support
http://www.stillbirthday.com/
book Heaven by Randy Alcorn
I’ll Hold You In Heaven Remembrance Book by Debbie Heydrick
Grieving the Child I Never Knew book
read Heaven Is For Real
song Blessed Be Your Name
Watermark’s song Glory Baby
book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith and song of same name by her husband
Psalm 147:3-4 “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them by name.”
Song “I Will Be Here”
song “It is Well With My Soul”
Beauty for Ashes Bible study
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